Jokes page 13

Got a letter the other day

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!  
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the celebration. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again.? I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Old People

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house." "The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Marriage

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arse in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, 
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says," Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Westie

You know you're from West Auckland when...
 1. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
 2. Bikies back down from your mum.
 3. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
 4. You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.
 5. Jim Beam and Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
 6. You've ever had to scratch out your sister's name in a message that begins "For a good time call...."
 7. You've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.
 8. Every day someone comes to your door mistakenly thinking you're having a garage sale.
 9. You have a working television that sits on top of a non-working television.
10. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
11. Your dog was neutered by court order.
12. Your mum walks out of the bathroom and says, "Come look at this before I flush it!"
13. Your 13 year old daughter and her husband wanted belly button piercing and you said no and got them matching tattoos instead

Satan

Little Boy

Little boy runs into the kitchen and asks Grandma where Mum and Dad are.
Grandma replies they are still in bed. Little boy giggles and leaves.
About lunch time the boy comes back and asks Grandma the same question.
Grandma replies they are still in bed. Boy giggles and leaves.
Dinner time arrives and back goes the boy with the same question and gets the same answer. He starts to giggle again and Grandma getting a bit pissed off by now asks him what is giggling about.
The little fellow replies Dad came into my room this morning asking for the Vaseline and I fooled him by giving him the super glue