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Jokes page 2


Top Bumper Stickers seen around the world

  1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
  2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
  3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
  4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
  5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
  6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
  7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
  8. My Kid Got Your Honour Roll Student Pregnant.
  9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
  10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
  11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
  12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
  13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
  14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
  15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
  16. If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
  17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
  18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
  19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
  20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
  21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
  22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
  23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
  24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
  25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
  26. Illiterate? Write For Help
  27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
  28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
  29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
  30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
  31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
  32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
  33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
  34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
  35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
  36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off...  [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
  37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
  38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
  39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...  [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
  40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
  41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service  Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
  42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
  43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
  44. Ax Me About Ebonics
  45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel 
  46. Boldly Going Nowhere
  47. Cat: The Other White Meat
  48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
  49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
  50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
  51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
  52. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

What every man's dream girl would say...

1. Are you sure you've had enough to smoke?
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Wanna go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the shops so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey our new neighbour is sunbathing topless again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. Look, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Come on, whaddaya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
21. Not the f#*king shops again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings; I'll get it!
24. Gee..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.

Dating my Daughter

"Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter's putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit asked?
Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, Sure, why not.
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral Of The Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
------------------------
Where is the best place to sit on a plane?
In the little black box.
------------------------
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asia Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry. The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:

A file that big? It might be very useful.  But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot Order shall return
ABORTED effort. Close all that you have. You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that
First snow, then silence This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams
Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
Three things are certain. Death, taxes, and lost data Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on This page is not here.
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared Screen.  Mind.  Both are blank.


Computer

Can anyone think of a company that would send emails like this?

A magazine recently ran a Dilbert Quotes contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will be able to access the building only by using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

(This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising /Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss: Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say. (Mktg. Executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo, one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (paedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand
that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked up the word in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out,
directing us that no words that could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting together words from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"

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Jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 13