If you found this page and there is no index on the right, please click the logo above
If you found this page and there is no index on the right,
please click the logo above
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are
totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out
of their cars, the man says, "So you're a woman, that's interesting. I'm a
man. Wow! Just look at our cars.
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of
our days."
The woman replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from
God!"
The man continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of Moet Champagne didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the woman. The woman nods her head in agreement,
opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the
man. The man takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the woman. The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his
father down on a sofa in the lobby and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said,
"Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of
the old man so he would stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put
several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several
pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad,
isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's okay, but they won't let me fart."
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession
box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says
nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man
to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in
this one either."
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in
family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to
decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living
with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his
father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me
up"
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother,
right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear
does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would
like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in
Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the
judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat
anybody."
Two farmers are shooting out in the fields. The first farmer starts bragging
about how his dog can count. The second farmer, not believing this, says,
"Prove it." So the first farmer says, "Ok Rex, go count the ducks
in the pond." So Rex runs takes off and comes back a minute later and barks
four times. The first
farmer says, "Four ducks in the pond."
So the second farmer walks over to the pond and sure enough, four ducks are in
the pond. He goes back to the fields and says, "That's bullshit, let's see
him do that again!"
The first farmer looks at Rex and says, "do it again boy." So Rex runs
down to the pond again and when he returns he barks ten times. The second farmer
goes back down to the pond where, lo and behold, there are ten ducks.
"Shit!" said the farmer. However, he still was not convinced. So, he
goes back to the first farmer and says, "One more time." So the first
farmer again dispatches Rex to the pond. Moments later, Rex returns and begins
to vigorously screw the first farmer's leg and then he proceeds to pick up a
stick and begins shaking it like hell. The second farmer gloats, "See, that
f*ckin dog can't count. He's gone f*ckin mad!!"
The first farmer says, "No, No, you don't understand him. He's saying,
"There are more f*cking ducks down there than you can shake a stick
at!"
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What
to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck on a fisherman’s friend."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
harbour?"
# 10 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the
clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite
startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft
as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis
is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
# 9 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What
can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of
Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you
celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No
offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
# 8 There was a little girl and her mother walking
through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The
little girl says” Mummy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making
cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her Mother replies with the
same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making
cakes in the lounge last night". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you
know?" She says, "because I licked the icing off the sofa"
# 7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he
notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it
and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish
men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
# 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband
gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns
over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and
tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"
# 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed
there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely
ashen. His wife could at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's
wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had
this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh,
Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what
happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened
with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
# 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she
has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left
breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The
man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he
should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man
goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor
suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside
as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man
goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the
doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:
"She choked."
# 3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then
open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their
approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd
gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll
pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly
spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with
the beer bottle".
# 2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he
gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude
looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small
white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings
him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy.
"What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what
did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall,
350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is
Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you
said 'Turn around.'"
# 1 There was this couple who had been married for 50
years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were sitting there at this breakfast table together." "I know,"
the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty
years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you
say...should we get naked?" there upon the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years
ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
The jackeroo A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark." "But he's not dead, boss. He got all tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's going to hurt me!" "Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck." "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a
show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says
"I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a
beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow" She agrees and a date
is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps
him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he
asked. She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia" and
it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a
garden wall'"
All pages are copyright© of
Sellit.co.nz. 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001
We retain the right to refuse any ad we like. Ads are free to place for private
sale for Items that are in New Zealand:
To place an ad, use the buttons in the top right corner of this web page. If
there are no buttons, click here