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A young blonde woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all
one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Wellington Harbour.
As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering the infinite, a young sailor
noticed her as he strolled by.
"You're not thinking of jumping, are you?"" he asked. "
"Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm around her,
the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.
"Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe
tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there? I'll
set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every
night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me."
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed and the sailor snuck her on board
that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every
night, bringing food and water, and make love to her until dawn. Then, during
the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship
& it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman
and asked for an explanation. The young woman came clean;
"I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out,
he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and.....he's
screwing the F* out of me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his
face and he replied; "He sure is, this is the Cook Strait Ferry"
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night
after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders
into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have
passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!" Annabel exclaims,
"Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your
head!"
"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held
it...for a while".
"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would
sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I
don't have?"
Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources
Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of RMIT, "What
starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the
neighbourhood of $55,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The
interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 6 weeks
annual leave, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50%
of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Porsche?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The
interviewer replied,
Yeah, but you started it."
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the
dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm
in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as
possible, and we'll be on our way."
Thee dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous
woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He
is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that
it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as
well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
One doctor husband and his wife are having a fight at breakfast
table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "and you are no good in bed
either" and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was
nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to phone after many
rings and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone"?
She says, "I was in bed".
"In bed this late, doing what"?
"Getting a second opinion" she says.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I
want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are
my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll
be sex here at seven o'clock every night-whether you're here or not."
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after
eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens
he says,
"Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?" GOD replied "Go
on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create." So Adam says, "When
you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike
mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her." "Oh, well then,
why did You give her long, shinny, beautiful hair, and not me?" "I did
that Adam so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did You
make her so stupid?
Certainly not so that I could love her?" "Well Adam, No. I did that so
that she could love you
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she
was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she
was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a
good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she
got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran
downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy
chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men
have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants
exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry.
All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good
care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off
his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this,
she ran downstairs. "Mama Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job
for Mama."
Johnny was the brightest kid in his math's class, and as a
result was always why ahead of the rest. So his teacher said to him
"Johnny, here's another question for you. If there are five birds on the
wall and you shot one off, how many birds are left?" Johnny though for a
moment and replied "None." "Why do you say that?" the
teacher asked. "Well Miss, I've shot one and the other four flew off
because of the noise." "Well done Johnny. I like the way your
thinking." she told him.
After about twenty minutes Johnny put his hand up and said "Miss can I ask
you a question?" "Well, yes, OK then Johnny, go ahead." she
replied. "There are three girls next to ice-cream van eating ice-cream. One
is licking, one is biting and the other one is sucking the ice-cream. Which one
is married?"
Johnny asked. The teacher being a bit embarrassed by the question answered
"Er, the one that is sucking." Johnny replied "No Miss, it is the
one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you are thinking."
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.
All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady
parted her legs the wasp entered her vagina. The woman started screaming 'Oh my
god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina'. The husband immediately took her to
the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment
and said 'Hmm, tricky situation. But have a solution to the problem if young sir
would permit'. The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use
whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said 'OK, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the top of my
penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer
to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my
penis out of your wife's vagina. The Husband nodded and gave his approval. The
young lady said 'Yes, Yes whatever, just get on with it'. So the doctor, after
covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's
vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, ' I don't think the bee has
noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper'. So the doctor went
deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very
hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan
and groan aloud, 'oh doctor, doctor' she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very
hard, was looking like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the
young ladies breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point
suddenly became very annoyed and shouted "Now wait a minute, what the hell
do you think you're doing?". The doctor, still concentrating, replied
"Change of plan, I'm going to drown the little bastard instead!!".
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot
camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that
all of his attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft tech looked
at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and
then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and
squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was completely
blown off:
The Microsoft tech yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just
fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
--------------------
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a
city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such
exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you
a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during
which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the
angel brought the statues to life. They approached each other a bit shyly, but
soon dashed for the bushes. Soon, there was a great deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the
bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more
minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even wider, the female
statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold
the damn pigeon down, and I'll shit on it's head.
--------------------
Q. What has a woman and a Kentucky Fried Chicken got in common?
A. After you have finished with the breasts and thighs, you have still got a
greasy box to stick your bone in!!!
------------------
An Eskimo takes his car to the garage, "Could you have a look at my car
please, it doesn't appear to be running properly", he tells the mechanic.
The mechanic says, "Yeh sure. I'll have a look at it for you, come back in
about half an hour. So the Eskimo disappears for half an hour and then returns
to the garage. "What do you think?", the Eskimo asks the mechanic.
"Well, It looks like you've blown a seal ", says the mechanic.
"NO, NO", says the Eskimo," that’s just a bit of frost on my
top lip!".
------------------
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
They both hold stiffs, but you come in one and go in the other!!!
-----------------
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dog.
A pussy that cums when you whistle!
------------------------
What's the difference between a fox and a dog.
About 10 beers
Two scientists are talking in a lab one day and one says to the other, "Wait till you see my latest discovery. It'll blow your mind!" Naturally intrigued, the second scientist asks for a demonstration of this amazing discovery. At his request, the first scientist gets a spider out of a matchbox, places it on the desk and says, "Spider FORWARDS!" At his command, the spider moves forwards. The scientist then says, "Spider, TURN AROUND", to which the spider obeys. The scientist then says "Spider, FORWARDS", and again the spider does exactly as it is told. The second scientist, impressed with his friend's command of the spider, congratulates him on his work. The first scientist then replies, "No, you haven't seen my discovery yet. Wait till you see *THIS*", and he then pulls all of the spiders legs off and places it back on the desk. The first scientist then repeats his order to the spider "Spider, FORWARDS", but the spider doesn't move. "Spider, TURN AROUND". But it still doesn't move. By this point the second scientist is getting a little confused, and so asks his friend what it is he's trying to do, pointing out that the spider isn't going to move. Exactly!" the first replies. "I've just discovered that when you pull a spider's legs out, they go deaf!"
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As
they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready
to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie." "A quickie?!?"
the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal
life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to
order from the menu." She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says,
"It's pronounced Quiche."
------------------
A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What
are you so happy about?" asks the Barman.
"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke, "you know I live by
the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her
back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made
love all night, all over the house. We did every thing, me on top sometimes, her
on top!"
"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod. Was she
pretty?"
"I don’t know, I never found her head."
For Sale complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows bloody everything.
A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which
requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He
has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going.
The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the
phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs
in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home,
but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells
the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the
mailman. She protests! The lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to
kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally
convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the
sound of two gun shots, a scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.
The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill
them?"
"Yes," she replies.
The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"
"I threw them in the pool," she responds.
There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the
pool?"
"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.
"Uh, is this 555-8234?"
TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time
management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here
just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem.
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
Try this. Enjoy.
Spend the 30 seconds to do this!
You need Version 97
Follow these instructions
1)? Go to Microsoft Word
2)? Type in the phrase 'Unable to get a date' - highlight the entire phrase
3)? Go to Tools and select 'Set language'
4)? Choose 'English (United States)' and click OK
5)? Then click Tools/Language/ again and select Thesaurus (make sure it is still
highlighted)
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a
walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says. "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it
and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.
Dad asked, "Where is Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, and
there is another dog pushing her home."
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