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Jokes page 12


Military Aircraft

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of  course, does not have a sense of humour and made webmaster remove it  immediately. PS: Don't forget to read the legal rider at the end of the article.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms.  [_] Miss  [_] Lt.[_] Gen.[_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
 First Name:....................................
 Initial: ........
 Last Name......................................................
 Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
 Code Name:......................................................
 Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
 [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20....... /....... /......

4. Serial Number:...............................................

 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
 [_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_]Government surplus [_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one [_] Shot one down using rocks (Balkans Purchasers only)

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
 [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / manoeuvrability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
 [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Balkans [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
 [_] Colour TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Ground-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle  [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon [_] Pokemon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all 
that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal cheque [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_]Traveller's cheque [_] Famine Relief 

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defence Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student [_] Bill Gates 

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating  in on a regular basis:
 [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / misinformation [_] Destabilisation / overthrow [_]Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction [_] Knitting 

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! 

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION, 
Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee's) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

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Jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 13