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Jokes page 3


Computer tech

  1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
  2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
  3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
  4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
  5. When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
  6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
  7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
  8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
  9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
  10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
  11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
  12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
  13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" that motivates us.
  14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
  15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
  16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
  17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
  18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
  19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
  20.  When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
  21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
  22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
  23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
  24. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
  25. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
  26. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
  27. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Mayo like to keep abreast of what's going on.
  28. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
  29. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
  30. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere

Computer

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.  Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter "PENIS". Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response : PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

A man

"A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers". Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her. It reads" "Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweetheart, would I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle."

A Married Couple

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!!

The best thing about being a Guy

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new  haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your  friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
You can jump up and hit stuff with your hand

BROOKVALE IDIOT

The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a man walked into Brookvale McDonalds at 8:50AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because she said she couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said they weren't available until 10:30 am as only the breakfast menu was offer. Frustrated, the man walked away. 

ADELAIDE IDIOTS

Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine in Adelaide's Henley Street by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their Toyota Landcruiser, but instead of pulling the front panel off the Machine they pulled the bumper off their 4WD. Scared, and attracting attention from oncoming traffic, they left the scene and drove home, with the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. No, they did not use a stolen car.

WOLLONGONG IDIOT

A man walked into a Seven-Eleven, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly  provided.  The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

ROOTY HILL IDIOT

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd  just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window with all his might. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Apparently, the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. And the whole event was caught on videotape, which the store owner consequently sold  for use on TV.

CAMPBELLTOWN IDIOT

As a female shopper exited the Campbelltown K-Mart in Queen Street, a man grabbed her purse and ran. A shop assistant at K-Mart called the Police immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher, trying to mingle in the shopping crowd on Queen Street. They put him in the car and drove back to the K-Mart store. The thief was then taken out of  the car and up to the K-Mart front desk and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied; "Yes, Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from ."

PORT MACQUARIE IDIOT

When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Port Macquarie street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. He had tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the  best laugh he'd ever had.

An Aussie Joke

There's a Aussie, an Kiwi and a beautiful woman sitting next to  each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap. He is thinking "That the Kiwi must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me." The lady is thinking, "That Aussie must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Kiwi instead and got slapped." The Kiwi is thinking to himself..."If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that bloody Aussie in the head again."

An Irish Joke

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper  bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them onhis shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

======- PART TWO =======

 A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, As he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom, Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

  ======- PART THREE =======

 A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"

Disgusting mix

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?  Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14  years of age.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to root? When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
How can you tell a macho woman? She rolls her own tampons.
 What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other? A block of flaps!
How do we know God is a man? Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They've got boyfriends already
What's the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during an orgasm!
What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits!
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards? They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Why are toy trains like a mother's breasts? They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK? One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, "Hey,  whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?"
Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the  waist? Because you could easily get another pair of tits in there
 What do you call three dogs and a blackbird?  The Spice Girls
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?  A: About eight pints of beer.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it's from.
An Eskimo is driving when his car starts to make a noise. He takes it to the garage and the mechanic looks at it. "Hmm, looks like you've blown a seal." "No," says the Eskimo," it's just frost on my moustache."

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