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Two guys from Invercargill die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in
swannies, mittens and balaclavas warming themselves around the fire. The devil
asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two
guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Invercargill, the land of
snow and ice and cold. We're just Happy for a chance to warm up a little bit,
eh." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in
swannies, mittens and balaclavas. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully
hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're
from Invercargill, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for
a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." This gets the devil a little
steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as
high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by
the room with the two guys from Invercargill and finds them in "T"
shirts, footie shorts and jandals drinking a speights and cooking a "barbie"
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you
two seem to be enjoying ourselves."
The two Southlanders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm
weather down there in Invercargill so we've just got to have a cook-up when the
weather's THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see
straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat
because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the
heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are
hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do
anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Southlanders. He gets there
and finds them back in their swannies, mittens and balaclavas. NOW they are
jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil
is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're
happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is Wrong with
you two???"
The Southlanders look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? if
hell freezes over, it must mean that Southland has won the N.P.C
A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy. At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team. Aussie Aussie Aussie !
Todd Blackadder, John Eales and Joost van der Westhuizen were in an aeroplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addressed Joost first. "Joost, what do you believe in?" Joost replied, "Well, I believe that the Springboks are a side that plays best under pressure. We are a really tough nation. I believe the racial quota's are the wrong way of doing the right thing and I believe kicking for goal is not the way to win games. " God thinks for a second and said, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Todd Blackadder. "Todd, what do you believe in?", Todd replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think the New Zealand public own the New Zealand jersey and that the All Blacks are those simply lucky enough to be wearing it. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses John Eales. "John, what do you believe in?" Ealsey said, "I believe you're in my chair."
An Australian school teacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is a All Blacks fan, and my dad is All Blacks fan, so I'm a All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."
The following (allegedly) is the transcript of a call made to a phone-in show on a local Liverpool radio station. The topic being debated at the time was the controversial outcome of the Evander Holyfield v Lennox Lewis fight.
PRESENTER: OK, let's go to line 3. Line 3..... who's this?
CALLER: Oh, yeah, hello... it's Terry here.
PRESENTER: Hello Terry, and what have you got to say about last night's result?
CALLER: Well, er, not a lot actually.
PRESENTER: Oh...
CALLER: Well, yer see, I know nothing at all about boxing.
PRESENTER: I see... Well, erm, tonight's debate is a discussion about.....
CALLER: But I did have a girlfriend once who was really, really into boxing in a
big way. Loved it she did.
PRESENTER: Really?
CALLER Oh, yeah. Do you know how into boxing she was?
PRESENTER: Well, no....
CALLER: She was so much into boxing that when she took her clothes off she had a
picture of Evander Holyfield tattooed on one thigh and Lennox Lewis on the
other.
PRESENTER: Really?
CALLER: Yeah, really.... Course, I didn't know who they were coz I know nothing
about boxing.
PRESENTER: I see. So did your girlfriend explain who the two tattoos were of?
CALLER: Yeah.
PRESENTER: Oh, good.
CALLER: Course, I recognised Don King right there in the middle of them without
any help at all.
PRESENTER: Let's go straight to line 2...
Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is just a big crock of shit
So there's the story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...f#*k Valentines Day!
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in
trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
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What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the
end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up
there?"
------------------------
How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and
the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
------------------------
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There are tobacco spitstains on both sides of his pickup truck.
------------------------
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Alabama to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
------------------------
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
------------------------
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
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How many rednecks does it take to eat an opossum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
------------------------
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'Possum on the Halfshell."
------------------------
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a
pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front
door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready
yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies
politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a
drive-in-movie. Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and
screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite
a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?". "Yeah," says
Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all
night if we let her!" Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later,
Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby
escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good
evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the
house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!
THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!
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