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Jokes page 10

The President and Quiche

Taking a break from their first day of work, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney go out to a restaurant near the White House. The waitress comes over and asks them what they would like. Dick orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. The waitress turns to Bush and asks him, What would you like, Mr. President?"
"I'd like a quickie."
The waitress is shocked and astonished. In a huff, she exclaims, "I thought you were going to bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House! Now I see that you, like all politicians, were lying! I'm sorry I ever voted for you!" and storms off. Bush sits there, stunned for a moment.

Then Cheney leans over and says, "George, I think it's pronounced QUICHE."

Aussie's vs Kiwi's

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Aussie.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi. 
They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. 
The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.
When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Australian Farmers

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the
outback, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the outback, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the outback. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

More One Liners.... 

Some of these have been around before ...
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy
If you ain't making' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Death to all fanatics!
Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Embarrassing Stories

A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories.
Here was one of the winners.
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynaecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.  I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said:
"My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?"
I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.
She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

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Jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 13