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Jokes page 1

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only go to D, but I went all the way to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G! See?" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde." 
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 24."

The Woman

The Parrot

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. 
 
Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key 
under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill On the counter, and I'll 
mail you the check.  Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, Spike , he won't bother you. But, 
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" 
 
When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he 
discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as 
she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching 
the repairman go about his business. 
 
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant 
yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain 
himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid 
ugly &n#b*s!#p; bird!" 
 
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" 

A Woman

Aussie

Two Aussies, Rosso and Merrick, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Rosso stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Rosso blurted out," Make the entire ocean into Victoria Bitter!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher. The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Merrick looked disgustedly at Rosso whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Merrick said: "Nice going Rosso! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

Newspapers

The Washington Post's 'Style Invitational' asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid & an asshole.

A Little Girl

A cute little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fwuffy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in her sweet little voice,

"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"

Fungi

What do you call a mushroom with a 9 inch dick?
A fungi guy to be with. 

Saddam

Why does does Saddam make his women shave their pubic hair?
He calls it the Anti Bush Campaign

From Bronwyn

American Tourist

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his dick covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in a two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up," doc. The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!". The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his dick, and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease. " The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!". The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way. No need to to operate!" Dick will fall off by itself

Sexist

1. How many men does it take to open a beer?  None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2.  Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
3.  Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary  things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4.  How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?  When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
5.  How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6.  If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
7.  What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?  A woman that won't do what she's told.
8.  I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was  Always.
9.  I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
10.  What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
11.  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
12.  Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
13.  Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"  I said, "Dust!"
14.  In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
15.  Why do men die before their wives? They want to
16.  A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and  said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
17.  Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
18.  A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted.."  The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
19.  The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget  it once. 
20. Women want a man with a million dollars, man yust want a dishwasher that gives head.
21. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street  with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
22.  Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go  to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator

Bad Sex

50 years of bad sex In a little Italian village a man and his wife of 50 years were rocking back and forth on their porch. Suddenly, the wife stopped, grabbed her cane and she whacked her husband across his shins as hard as she could. He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down his face and he gasped,  "Why did you do that?"  She replied, "That's for 50 years of bad sex." He nodded his head but said nothing. Slowly, husband and wife began to rock again. Then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own cane and he whacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could. When her eyes quit tearing and the pain subsided so that she could finally speak, she asked,  "What was that for?"  "That's for knowing the difference."

Blonde

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.  "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."  When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"  The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead  that third day."  "From hunger, you mean?"  "No, from skipping."

Blonde

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.  Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump. Blonde: OK.  (back to newscast)  He jumps.  Blonde: OK Here's my $20. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be  stupid enough to jump twice. 

Kiwi

Two builders from New Zealand, called Phil and Mick, are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go". "Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end and balance it" "Are You sure Mick?" "Yep, no worries mate" "100 %?" "YES!" So out goes Phil to take a piss, but before he's finished the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phil of course, is a goner. Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a New Zealander are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest. Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates trying to crack on the Sheila's!" Pierre, the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet ees us for sure" Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No no, you blokes are both wrong. The other month I was walking past a building site at home, following these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming: "CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!"

Men

Things you will never hear men say

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherf#*ker.
2. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. Her tits are just too big.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
6. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
13. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbour knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed ? Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has too much nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake.

Old Woman

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's  license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper,  and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse, and finally pulls out a supermarket receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, frowns, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over place.  As she  comes to the old man's room, again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel  chair looks up and groans "Oh, no - not the breathalyser again."

Thing I learnt from the Movies

1. Large, loft style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, do not worry which wire to cut - you will always choose the right one.
4. It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will patiently attack you one by one, by dancing around in a threatening manner until you've knocked out their predecessors.
5. If you are pretty and blonde, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission by the age of 22.
6. Honest and hardworking policeman are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.
7. During police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least one.
8. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach armpit level on a women, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
9. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
10. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there's someone in the control tower to talk them down.
11. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it is not necessary to speak the language - a fake accent will do.
13. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
14. A man will show no pain while taking a ferocious beating, but will wine when a woman cleans his wounds.
15. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises while wearing revealing underwear.
16. Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always say: Enter Password Now.
17. All bombs are fitted with an electronic timing device with large red readouts so you know when they are going to go off.
18. A detective can only solve a case once he's been suspended from duty.
19. Police departments give officers personality tests to ensure they have a partner who is their total opposite.
20. Foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Housewife

A housewife took a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
While this takes place she locks her 9 year old son in the bedroom closet.
One day her husband comes home while the lover is there so she locks the lover in the same closet with the boy.
They stand in the gloom for a while, then the boy says,
"Dark in here."
"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball."
"That's nice."
"Wanna buy it?"
"No."
"My dad's out there."
"OK, I'll buy it. How much."
"$25.00."
"Gee. OK, I'll buy it."
A week later the man is over again. The boy is locked in the closet again.
The father comes home again.
The man is locked in the closet with the boy again.
They stand in the gloom until the boy says,
"Dark in here."
"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball glove."
"That's nice."
"Wanna buy it?"
Remembering the previous week, the man says,
"Sure, how much."
"$75.00."
"Fine."
The following weekend the father says to the boy, "Son, go get your ball and glove and lets play some catch."
:I can't, dad. I sold them."
"Really? For how much.""$100.00"
"Son, you shouldn't rip your friends off like that. We didn't pay anywhere near that for those items. I'm taking you to the church and I want you to confess your sin to the priest."
They go to the church and the father sends the boy in to the confessional.
The little door opens so the priest can hear his confession.
"What is your sin, my son."
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says;
"Don't start that shit again."

Christmas

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "all of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last damn stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Condoms

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?'
Lady 2: 'A condom.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. 
' Doesn't matter,'she replies, 'as long as it fits a Camel'.
The pharmacist fainted

Love Dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couples house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing," the mother-in-law asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you naked," asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You are naked," said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute," the daughter-in-law continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left.
On the way home, she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.
Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing," he asked. "This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied.
"Needs ironing," he replied.

Pet Monkey

A guy had two pet monkeys that died so he took them to a taxidermist to get them stuffed. He was asked if he wanted them mounted. Oh no said the guy, just shaking hands.

Marriage

Lisa was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side.
He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face.
His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"I know", answered Jake, "that's why I poisoned you."

Strange

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Struth! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife."

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Jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 13