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Jokes page 4


An Irishman

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!" -JFK,1963
And... drum roll...
The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...
"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Wayne Carey, 2002

The Duck

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and
my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" 
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This
continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells
him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the f@#* do they want with a plasterer?"

My Wife

A husband is at home watching a cricket game when his Wife interrupts,
'Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.' He looks at her and says, 'Fix the light?
Now? Does it look like I have an Osram logo printed on my forehead?
I don't think so.'
'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly.'
To which he replied, 'Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
'Fine,' she says, 'Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break.'
'I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,' he says.' Does it look like I have Mitre 10 written on my forehead?'
Then he adds, 'I've had enough of this. I'm going to the pub where I can watch the match in peace!!!'
So he storms off to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he spoke to his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
Once in the house he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door closes perfectly.
'Honey, how'd this all get fixed?' he asked in amazement.
She said, 'Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man walking past asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.'
'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?' he asked.
'Hellooooooo . . . do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?'

A woman

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal Thewoman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face A couple of minutes later, shewas beginning to feel the pain again This time, she didn't even hesitate She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled andthought"Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it She letrip a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shitson you!"

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf" says Little Red Riding Hood
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf" says Little Red Riding Hood
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away
About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign
"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf" taunts Little Red Riding Hood
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams" Will you f#*k off?! I'm trying to take a shit!"

How to Shower like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectional hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and run to bathroom
Look at physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so you can complain and whine about how fat you are getting
Get in the shower Look for face, arm and leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone
Wash your hair once with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
Wash your hair again with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
Condition your hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil Leave on hair for 15 minutes
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa-cake body wash
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure it all comes off)
Shave armpits and legs
Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you have no water pressure
Turn off shower Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower Spray mould spots with 'tilex'
Get out of shower
Dry with towel size of small African country Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel
Check entire body for remotest sign of zit Attack with nails and tweezers if found
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and rush to bedroom and then spend a hour and a half dressing

How to Shower like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile
Walk naked to the bathroom If you see your wife along the way, shake your privates at her making the "woo" sound
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have any pecs (no), scratch your privates
Get in the shower
Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one)
Wash your face Wash your armpits
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower Wait and then smell
Wash your private parts and surrounding area, leaving hair on the bar of soap
Shampoo (do not use conditioner) Make a shampoo Mohawk
Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror
Pee (in the shower)
Rinse off and get out of the shower
Fail to notice water on floor because you left the curtain hanging out of tub the whole time
Partially dry off
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor
Leave bathroom fan and light on
Return to bedroom with towel wrapped around your waist If you pass wife along the way, pull off your towel and shake your privates at her making the woo sound again
Throw wet towel on bed
Take 2 minutes to get dressed

Escaped Convict"

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you He probably hasn't seen a woman in years Please cooperate If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag "I'm so relieved you feel that way He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom"

What I've Learned in Life

Pass this along to 5 friends trust me, they'll appreciate it Who knows, maybe something good will happen Ifnottough shit

Dumb

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is" The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units'than his dad His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is" Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play Shortly after, the boy returned again He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets"

These are actual instructions on various products

A guy walks into a pharmacy

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight I've never had three girls at once I need something to keep me horny, to keep men potent" The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label Viagara Extra and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours" The guy says, "Gimme three boxes" The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat" The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!" The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up" 

I am a Woman

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
And I can justify any, shopping spree
 
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage, without a hard-on
 
I can balance the chequebook, can pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends, about the size of my ass
 
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long
At least I can admit, to others when I'm wrong
 
I don't drive in circles, at any cost
And I don't have a problem, admitting I'm lost
 
I never forget, an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
 
I don't watch movies, with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay, to remember the score
 
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a bitch
 
Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!
 
Flowers are okay, But jewellery's best
Would you look at my face, Not at my chest!

I don't have a problem, with Expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying, You look at the ceiling

Don't call me a girl, A babe or a chick
I am a WOMAN, Get it, you prick?!

A Girl

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for The first time Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door "I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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Jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 13