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Jokes page 11


Lip Prints

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and  would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy   to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 
There are teachers, and then there are teachers...

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Scotsman, Italian and an Irishman

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a  good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."  Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

 Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to  you?"
 "No, but it happened to me sister!"

Women's Bumper Stickers:

  1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
  2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
  3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
  4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
  5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
  6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN...SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
  7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
  8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
  9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
  10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.
  11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
  12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
  13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
  14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
  15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
  16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
  17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
  18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
  19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
  20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
  21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
  22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
  23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Chicken and the Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

The following test was developed by a combination of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple question.
Which is your favourite Teletubbie:
A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red
------------------------
DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN
Profile for women...
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful.
People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people.
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.
Profile for men.............
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.
------------------------
1)I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
2)I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
3)I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
4)I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more f#*ked up than you think.
5)I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
6)I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
7)I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
8)I've learned to say "f#*k 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
 
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows,
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT....
it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the f#*ker in the head.

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Jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 13