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Jokes page 8


4 year old

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and
explained that  it was ok to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked
at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

A Little Girl

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter. "Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I  was, but mother says I'm not."

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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" The little girl's mother said that she could not because "boys are too rough and you might get hurt". The little girl thought about it  for  a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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At the beginning of a children's' sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a  very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes... and my mom says it's a bitch to  iron."

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This was far more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I  wasn't quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box  in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for special occasions. Now, fast-forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You can see this coming, can't you? When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter."But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!" 

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True Story

I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination Without Cause". 

Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
What sort of trouble?"
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Went away?"
They disappeared."
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Nothing."
Nothing?"
It's blank; It won't accept anything when I type."
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
How do I tell?"
Can you see the c: prompt on the screen?"
What's a sea-prompt?"
Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
What's a monitor?"
It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
I don't know."
Well, then look on the back of your monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Yes, I think so."
Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged in to the wall."
Yes, it is."
When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
No."
Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Okay, here it is."
Follow it for me, tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
I can't reach."
Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
No."
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
Dark?"
Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." 
Well, turn on the office light then."
I can't."
No? Why not?"
Because there's a power failure."
A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now."
Do you still have the boxes and the manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Well, Yes, I keep them in the closet."
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you brought it from." 
Really? Is it that bad?"
Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Tell Them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

Spell Check!

This email is from the main receptionist for a major computer company it went out to all corporate employees. To: All Corporate Employees
Subject: Copier!
Date: Thursday, July 24, 1997 12:48PM

PLEASE please please please -- I am begging here -- keep any and all paper clips away from the copier!

We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier.

PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier.
Especially the document handler which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.

Thanks for your help.
(Hmmmmmmm, I wonder what brand of copier this was..............)


In the following No.1 is superb!!!!!
Top Ten Actual E-mail Addresses
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) btkisser@bendover.com
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcoc (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.co

Husbands' Performance

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.
The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Monica's Dress

Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back. She yells, " Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It's Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned." Mr. Lee yells, "Come again". Monica says, "No, it is gravy this time."

Irish

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.

Men

What do toilets, clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.
*********
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
*********
Q: What is the generic name for Viagara?
A: Mycoxaphillin
*********
Q. What is the difference between driving in the fog and 69-ing?
A. When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

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